Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My bed smells like the plague
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
