i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
