I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
did i walk over a car last night?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Randomize
