What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize