Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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