He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
