I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
