if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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