Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
