I feel great
I just peed on a car
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
