I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
