Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
