One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
