I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
BRING THE BAGELS
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
