i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
there is glitter all over my balls
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
