I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
