sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
