She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
