We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
