OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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