I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
