You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
