I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
