I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize