so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize