I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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