if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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