you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
