question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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