Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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