No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
