We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
