this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
