I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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