i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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