Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
