Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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