I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
