Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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