Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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