If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Drake has all the answers
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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