I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
