Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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