the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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