You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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