Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
