I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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