my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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