I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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