if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
