Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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