it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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