The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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