I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
