But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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