I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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