Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
