I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
