I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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